Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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