i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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