i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
