he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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