hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
