Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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