I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
