I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
