I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
