Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
