first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
