I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
