but the lizard people decide everything anyway
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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