So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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