she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
