I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
