I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
