Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
