I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
