I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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