I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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