i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
