Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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