I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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