Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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