mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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