She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Omg I joined a choir last night...
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
