Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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