his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
