i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
