I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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