Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I wish I could teleport
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
