You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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