GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
