Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
there's paper in my vomit.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
