My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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