I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
