I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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