I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Your cock deserves a montage
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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