i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Randomize
