Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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