I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
