at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
