addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
