Sorry, I don't speak sober.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Randomize
