So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
