You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
