So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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