He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
