You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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