Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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