This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
