Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
