I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He felt like a one man threesome
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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