what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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